MThe children's babysitter went out late one night and stayed this week. Since our children were born, we went to the bar every weekend. Officially we are now divorced. After the end of the summer, the children were old enough to go to the after-school club, and the nanny found a new job. In fact, I found it difficult to release. “I can't let go!” I cried to her this week. Exhausted she agreed to return.
Babysitter relationships are difficult and difficult to talk about. Pay nanny to the book, even if you do everything by letter. Don't do the same thing by filing an accurate tax record to claim unemployment benefits, to be meticulous about overtime, and to carry over unused hours from week to next week – exploitation and grudge burn. There is no written agreement, and labor at least New York's pool is deep enough to live even under the threat of summary layoffs and replacement, even the safest babysitters.
And of course, there is a strange feeling of all that. This is especially true if the parents are single and the babysitter looks more regular than other adults. We are not friends, not really. But every day we come in, we talk about Donald Trump, the corruption in our home country, the deficiencies in the New York education system, and of course, talk endlessly about our children. When she was stressed, I kept my eyes on the meter and showed compassion. When I get stressed, she sympathizes and tries to step out of the door. Even after children start school, a combination of intimacy and dependence, power disparity, and cost of at least $ 400 (£ 325) per week guarantees some degree of dysfunction.
Anyway, we are dividing the way. There is no consciousness about this. Losing someone who has been in our lives every day for four years – someone who tried not to know when I was coming late at night (“everyone is in England”) who knocked me down and felt terrible guilt It is considered. A person who I am thankful forever and doesn't cost too much can't pay too much, whose life is infinitely harder than myself, but the cost of someone who has been bothering me for years is not an easy transition.
On Wednesday, she told her there was "separation anxiety." "I can't do it without you!" This was true at the same time, and it made sense just as she officially recognized how much she meant to us. We are over, so we have seen each other with honest affection and some relief. Unfortunately, embarrassingly, it's finally over.
• Emma Brox The Guardian Columnist
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